Part 3: The Eight Fold Paths to Resilience & Whacked out Helplessness

This is the third and concluding part of the Article Series on the 8-fold paths to the “Whacked-Out” state and an abiding state of resilience.

You’re about to read Part 3 of this series. Here, we’ll look at Perspective, Social Awareness, Support System, and Habits & Routines.

In Part 2, we had looked at Self Awareness, Self Talk, Connectedness and Coping.

Perspective

Developing a clearer perspective is very integral to all the sections covered so far. A few important points are mentioned here separately. Taking an expansive view of events and situations is critical so that you don't miss out on the larger picture. Again, larger picture may be an overused cliche, but important nevertheless. Let’s find out how to get that expansive view.

Thought “Repatterning”: Our minds can become addicted to certain straitjacketed patterns. This is usually caused by the thinking or cognitive errors and biases that we’ve seen in earlier articles. Minimization, exaggeration, catastrophe fixation, discounting of positives, black-and-white over-simplification, mind reading, global labeling, and an unhealthy obsession to prove one’s point, are some of the common errors and biases that lead to a distorted perspective.

It is important to observe and examine your own assumptions, and even heuristics, to weed out such thinking errors. Do it without self-flagellation. Only few people get this far. Most others are condemned to stay trapped in these biases and limiting assumptions! So, you must actually pat yourself on the back for having the courage to examine and challenge these patterns. And Re-pattern them for the better!

Thought Re-patterning needs a calm and composed state of mind. Relaxation processes can work wonders! When do you decide to go for thought re-patterning? Whenever you feel strong emotions or certain “well-known” courses of action are not yielding the results you want.

Thought re-patterning can also provide relief from self-induced stress and related health problems. After all, you’re opening up more options and possibilities with this freedom. Read the section on Self-Talk in this article again. Generous acknowledgement (to self and others), gratitude and appreciation are shortcut keys that make thought re-patterning very powerful.

Follow-up thought re-patterning with re-framing. Re-framing allows you to look for the “blessing-in-disguise” that came along with a setback. Search far and wide and find it out for sure. Every crisis or setback or failure holds certain lessons and meanings for us. Ignoring the lesson may mean you’re condemned to repeat the experience again and again. Sometimes, the lesson can be hard to absorb, as you may not be in a position to immediately fix it or do something about it. Even then, acknowledge yourself for having shifted your understanding to a higher plane. Isn't that really significant? You’ll actually loosen the stranglehold of events, even if just a little bit. Every bit matters indeed.

De-personalization is one form of re-framing that can be useful. Don't imagine you are the only one going through crises and setbacks. Look around and you’ll see many people have similar or worse problems in their lives.

Balancing internal & external locus of control also helps you with thought re-patterning. What’ll convince you that you have the power to influence events and outcomes in your life? What is keeping the situation stagnant, and what can you do to change it? What is likely to aggravate or confuse the situation, making progress difficult? Take actions accordingly, so that you’ll generate examples and reference point experiences to boost your level of internal locus of control. These reference points help you develop stronger beliefs and positive attitudes, and leverage. At the same time, don’t drive yourself crazy by going to extreme levels and blaming yourself for everything that’s gone wrong. Moderation is key.  

Re-framing also lets you look at options, choices and decisions. If big decisions are difficult, take the smaller steps and shake off the inertia and lethargy. Don’t overload yourself with the feverishness of change.

Social Awareness

Better social awareness helps you understand others, their situations, dreams, aspirations, struggles, worries, and motivations. The factors that we saw in self awareness are applicable here too. You can use this understanding to forge meaningful connections with others. This is vital for you to develop a good social support system, another key ingredient for resilience. It will also allow you to avoid misunderstandings. Many relationships suffer due to limited social awareness. The good news is that it can be developed with practice.

To develop social awareness, these are the two most important skills that you must focus on: Empathy and Effective listening. 

Empathy is the ability to understand and feel what another person is feeling and experiencing. Imagine your friend is extremely angry about a certain incident, and you’re wondering what’s the big deal. Obviously you are looking at the situation with your own criteria, and to you it appears that “things aren't that bad”. In order to be empathic, you’ll have to temporarily “suspend” these opinions and perspectives of yours, and “see” it from his/her position, their own experiences, contexts and situations. Unless you do this, you are still using your own prism to conclude that it isn't a big deal. Instead, you are taking note of what has led him/her to this state of mind. Your objective is to get this richer understanding with a wider set of data points and information. Later, you may still revert to your own conclusion and understanding. Or, you may see it in a different light. But, this isn't about you. So, focus on the other person.

This enhanced understanding can help you develop better rapport with the person. It also enables better listening. You are now able to see and hear much more than what the words alone convey. The tone, tenor, intonation, non-verbal expressions, gestures are all very important. Listen for what is said, and also what is left out. What is being ignored? What are the emotions that the person is experiencing? What must be driving those emotions? If the person seems to be afraid about it, what is causing it? Speak with genuine interest and let it show in your body language. Ask “clean” questions that aren't pre-programmed to get responses you want. Instead, use non-directive open formatted questions that give you more information. You could confirm the underlying drivers for their emotions and behaviors. All this while, make sure you are listening with rapt attention, and not rehearsing quick smart come-back lines that make you look uber-cool and intelligent! 

I have covered tips for effective listening skills in some of my other articles. You can check out the section on “Presence” in my article on building trust.

Support System

Developing and nurturing an effective support system is worth all its time and energy to make you more resilient. The idea is to make effective use of your support system, and not to be unnecessarily dependent on it.

“Emotional Bank Account” by Stephen Covey is one framework that I have found to be very useful. Most relationships can reach their full potential if the emotional bank account has a very good balance. Those small and big, and important acts of kindness, of showing you care, standing up for them, being present with them, words of appreciation, gestures of acknowledgement, empathic listening, are all effective ways in which you can make credits into the emotional bank account. On the other hand, every time you miss reciprocating a good gesture, or fail to stand up for someone, you are making debits from the emotional bank account. The balance is getting depleted slowly. The cold shouldering, the subtle put-downs, outright ignoring, all take a toll on the bank account. If there are no credits happening, the relationship soon reaches a point of no return, and even the slightest provocation may end up damaging it irreparably. Check out the health of your emotional bank accounts in order to strengthen your connections and bonds.

I also believe that managing your own energy helps you to spend quality time with people in your support system. Imagine talking to your amazing colleague in the coffee lounge, and yawning away to glory while she talks animatedly about her promotion! Poor energy levels also reduce the quality of your “presence”, again limiting your ability to make good rapport and connect well.

Add value to the lives of others, so that your name figures prominently in their support system too. This is a two-way street after all.

It is also important to move away from victim hood and stop seeking rescuers to save you from distress! Resilience requires focus on solutions, outcomes, possibilities, and decisions. The support system works best that way, as people enjoy standing up for those who stand up for themselves too!

Develop close bonds with those who speak the truth without much bother! You want your support system to provide you with the right acknowledgement and positive reinforcement. But, you also want people to tell you frank opinions, and show you the mirror (respectfully of course). Seek out such folks and get them to be part of your network. Return the favor too!

Where possible, connect with people who have strong networks themselves.

Your support system of course includes your family and close friends. Make sure you’re prominent in their support systems too! That’s the only way it can work well in the long run.

And keep promoting some of the deserving ones to the role of mentors, coaches and role models too!

Habits & Routine

We have seen various facets of what it takes to build resilience against shocks, surprises and pressures in life. Some of them have a distinct long-term outlook and cant work as quick fixes or workarounds. It is almost like shifting to a new way of life. Be it in your personal life or at workplace, such institutionalization can only happen by building habits and routines.

The main idea is to make it part of the default settings in your life! To bring predictability and stability. So, go ahead and squeeze in some of that extra me-time every now and then, but in a regular manner. Don't overdo the extreme routine rigor either. Keep some flexibility at your disposal too! It prevents stagnation and allows a clearer flow.

Take out time to nurture your support system, and do it consistently so that the emotional bank account has an impressive balance. You’ll become better at social awareness with more practice listening and speaking effectively. We discussed earlier that maintaining your energy is extremely important. I’d recommend practices that help you boost your stamina and also provide deep relaxation at mental, muscular and emotional levels. It’ll flood your brain with positive hormones, again helping you strengthen your resilience levels. The perfect way to work on your connectedness, self talk and self awareness too!

Part 2: The Eight Fold Paths to Resilience & Whacked out Helplessness

In the first part of this article, we looked at the 8-fold path to being in a “Whacked-Out” state. Now, it’s time to look at the 8-fold path to an abiding state of resilience that enables you to weather any storm, and pressures and stress in daily life. This is being covered in two parts.

Part 2 includes Self Awareness, Self Talk, Connectedness and Coping. Part 3 deals with Perspective, Social Awareness, Support System, and Habits & Routines.

Self Awareness

Your response to any tough situation in life is impacted by your motivations, interests, goals, strengths, capabilities, weaknesses, compulsions, compromises, preferences, obsessions, and behavioral patterns. That’s an awfully long list of factors indeed. Self awareness is about recognizing these, and figuring out how they impact your thoughts, actions and decisions. It really lets you understand and work with yourself in a matter-of-fact manner. There is no benefit in being overly-excited or defensive for that matter, as that can cloud what you make of the situation. It is about you and your truth.

Well, the idea is not to do a post-doctoral research on yourself. Instead, to develop the habit of pausing and observing yourself without rushing to make conclusions. It is also about recognizing facts as they are. Maybe, you feel hurt or furious about something. Effective self-awareness lets you recognize and observe it without feeling sorry for yourself. It is not about denying your emotions or hiding them. The more adept you become as a neutral observer, your ability to gather a wider set of data points and information goes up. You get to form a fuller picture of reality, and understand your evolving  relationship with it.

The more you nurture this habit, you also allow time, space and energy for better options, ideas and decisions to emerge. Are you making choices that are only scratching the surface, or simply pushing the problem around? We saw a long list of factors/aspects related to self-awareness in the first paragraph of this section. How are these impacting the choices you’re considering or overlooking? What is likely to make you weak? If there’s a way to channel more of your power and believe in yourself, what would that be? What needs to change? And is there a way to make sustainable progress? What can give you the right energy to stick with the change, during the transition? Even if you must make certain compromises, in what way can you make it a better deal for you? Resilience is a natural corollary to this expanded awareness and understanding.

Self awareness gives you vital inputs that no one else can! You can now pursue genuine resilience, instead of falling into the trap of the false bravado of “I’m doing okay”.

I’d recently written about developing a spirit of inquiry for an expanded awareness and adaptability. Check it out for a structured approach to feeding your mind with questions that help you get a more nuanced understanding. That will help you become more self-aware too! 

Self Talk

In Part 1, we had seen how negative self talk can gnaw away at your confidence, self esteem and more. The trouble with negative self talk is that it maybe a lifelong habit for many. Expanded self awareness can help to some extent, as you get into the habit of catching yourself doing this.

Also, it isn't as simple as replacing your negative thinking patterns with positive affirmations, as some people make it seem like. What could work better is to first train your mind to notice positive or not-so-negative areas, aspects of your life. By consciously acknowledging even minor changes for the better, you are slowly shifting your energy. Even during extreme crises, I’d say it’s better to persist with this habit of acknowledging the positives to yourself. Actively look for the silver lining, even if your “logical” brain red-flags it!  The alternative is to sink into carping cynicism that could put paid to all your hopes for resilience. And when I say notice the positives, I don't mean ignore the black spots. Accept that reality with clear intentions to change what is possible, but don't ignore the rest totally.

Once this is in place, you can of course write down or repeat positive affirmations, if that’s what you like! Like athletes and artistes, you may even want to visualize positive outcomes, and thereby feed your subconscious mind with vibrant positive images. It’s wonderful if you can do this before going to sleep. Recent research by the scientific community has also backed up practices like maintaining a gratitude journal and recording (on a daily basis) three things that you’re grateful for.

And don't just stop there. Now that you’ve changed your state of mind for the better (even marginally), you can also scrutinize your underlying beliefs and attitudes about this issue and everything around it. What is driving that negative self-talk? Obviously there must be some truth to it. But, sometimes freeing yourself from negative self-talk also requires developing new beliefs and attitudes. I had written about working with beliefs in my recent article.

Connectedness

With increased self-awareness and positive self-talk, you’re slowly getting better at resilience. “Connectedness” sure will give a leg up! It works better in the long term.

How connected and rooted do you feel to a strong sense of purpose? Is there an exciting personal vision that gets you up in the morning, raring to go? What are your big audacious dreams and aspirations that make it all worthwhile? Spend some time to answer these in vivid detail. It’s okay if you feel it’ll take time to get the level of clarity that’ll make your heart leap! The idea is to “know” and let that feeling grow deep inside as you keep coming back to these exciting images. Even when life gives you some hard knocks, it is this power that’ll stand you in good stead. It is like a bamboo tree that spreads its roots far and deep, and also maintains a level of flexibility that helps it weather even the harshest storms!

Connectedness is also about unabashedly pursuing self interest without guilt! Many people sabotage themselves by being defensive about their ambitions and desires. If you’ve done your homework vis-a-vis connecting to a strong purpose, it’s all the more better. Both self awareness and self talk play a huge role in this transformation. You’ve got to establish a deep relationship with the process and make it an integral part of your life. That’ll mean showing the courage to take small and big steps in a consistent manner to get closer to this identity of you. Doing what feels right without irrational fear gives you tremendous energy when your actions are driven by this level of awareness and self-belief. You’ll be able to take the setbacks in stride, and channel a certain power that feels just awesome!

One word of caution though! Make sure you avoid the trap of obsessive perfectionism and self-righteousness. What is important is to maintain the right momentum with a sense of balance. To be able to draw upon this power in a consistent manner, and not with see-sawing spikes and crashes that leave you unnerved. And don't become a prisoner of this self-image either, where you feel compelled to live up to a certain ideal with positive outcomes on display for the entire world to see and check out! As you develop the deep roots, some results must wait. An obsession for instant glory can divert your focus and waste your energy. The warts and moles are okay, they make you real, and maybe even make you stronger!

More than anything else, mindful connectedness improves your sense of self-efficacy. That’s bound to happen as you strengthen your belief with reference points of forward movement, backed up by effective actions. You’ll also enjoy stretching beyond your supposed limits and pleasantly surprising yourself as you do the same! You’ll radiate a sense of purpose, clarity and positive energy, helping you unleash your strengths.

Coping

Once a crisis has occurred, how well can you cope? Your coping skills and strategies must be well thought through to ensure that it doesn't tip you over! A couple of things to keep in mind:

Focus on what you Can Influence: It is natural to feel frustrated when certain things just don’t seem to go right at the time of stress inducing crises and setbacks. All your efforts seem to go nowhere. It’ll be worthwhile to separate out what can be changed or influenced, and then stop fretting about the rest. That’ll help you conserve energy and resources. While doing this, wherever possible challenge the “folk wisdom” about what can be influenced. Sometimes, we play safe by restricting our options so that we can conform to the “accepted wisdom, beliefs, biases and stereotypes” out here! Challenge these assumptions to open up more possibilities. Stop desperately seeking approval from others.

Outcome Orientation: Seek out clarity about options and possibilities to keep moving forward, even as you shift yourself to a more optimistic mood. Define interim milestones with mini and micro wins that help you steadily regain the momentum. While you’re at it, also recognize the blocks & boulders that inhibit free flow. The resistance could be from others, or sometimes even internal. Look at your risk profile and take the necessary support to avoid things careening out of control. Shift the centre of gravity towards an options based paradigm (opportunities & possibilities driven), rather than an enervating one with problems, crises & setbacks. The latter is acknowledged, but not given primacy. You can do this by smartly changing the style of your communication. Powerful questions can be a good way to make this mindset shift happen. What are your emotional goal-posts, at each milestone? Do you want to feel optimistic, positive, courageous, confident, and free? What mini-options will take you there? Learn to associate with these positive states, and dissociate from the failure driven narrative.

Fight/Flight/Freeze? Choose your response strategy: Setbacks may typically leave you feeling flustered. So, it is important that you pick the response options with sufficient thought. At times, it may help to constructively confront others and stand your ground. At other times, lying low maybe better so you’ll live to fight another day. You don't want to tempt trouble and disaster when you’re already running low on stocks! Running away from danger may be the wisest thing on certain occasions. Choose your response keeping in mind the eventual best possible outcomes that you can meaningfully pursue. Don't run out of energy by fighting the wrong battles!

Healthy diet, exercise, mindfulness and deep relaxation practices can help you stay alert and resourceful too.

Challenge yourself to step out of the comfort zone of automatic reflex actions. Especially, pay close attention to how you articulate your positions and opinions. Saying “NO” tactfully and assertively can be a great skill to develop and nurture. You may often discover that this skill is at the heart of your response strategy, and its odds for success.

For more ideas on coping with setbacks and failures, check out my Article on “Reimagining the Rebound”

For the last and concluding part of the article, check out Part 3.

The 8-Fold Paths to Resilience & Whacked-out Helplessness!

There are times in life, when the chips are down, and there’s little to cheer about. It could be a personal crisis in your life or maybe some nasty events in your workplace. You’re making valiant efforts to change the situation, but nothing seems to go in your favour. With limited options and even less support, you feel boxed in, and at times intimidated, betrayed and disempowered. Somehow others aren't enthused about your ideas. Not that you didn't try. Instead, they’re actively working to scuttle them. Scapegoating is not a news anymore! A weird “whacked out” feeling teams up with a certain inertia, and drains out  whatever is left of your confidence and self esteem.

Sure, it’s great to sermonize about the virtues of being proactive and well prepared. We know from experience that picking up the broken pieces can be quite harrowing. At times, even when the pieces aren't exactly broken. Options and answers aren't easy to come by in times like these. The sheer gravity of the situation can be quite disconcerting. You also realize that some of those “well-thought-out” backup options aren't even worth the paper they’re written on. Well, it isn't called a bolt from the blue for no reason!

Did you notice I mentioned that sometimes the pieces aren't exactly broken?  Unfortunately, the description in the above two paragraphs isn't only about failures and catastrophe. Some of our workplaces have made this the new normal with poor planning and horrible team management skills. This is what happens when projects and programs operate in a constant ‘simulated’ crisis mode thanks to ill-defined scope management and irresponsible oversight leaving people and systems gasping for breath. This is a different issue that merits a separate article. 

In this article, we’re looking only at individuals, and how they can move away from the whacked out state, and cope better with the hard knocks. Systematically building up reserves of resilience could provide some answers.

The resilient state is typically characterized by grit, mental toughness and also self efficacy, the belief in one’s ability to influence outcomes and succeed in chosen endeavours. It calls for greater empowerment, awareness and acceptance of one’s strengths, capabilities and weaknesses. It is also about summoning resourcefulness to chart out the needed course correction and to stick with it even in trying circumstances. It’s important to note that this resourcefulness also includes flexibility and openness to re-invent oneself with strategies and actions that help you conserve time, effort and energy! Talking about energy, many people fail spectacularly only because their thinking skills are held back by poor stamina and fatigue at those all-important junctures. It can be a deadly cocktail indeed when you keep throwing time, money and efforts into plans and actions that frankly don't pass muster. 

So, what could be one of the biggest challenges in crossing over to the resilient mode? In my view, it is about crossing over and staying there at real-time for as long as possible. We don't get to move out of a crisis mode into a stable state in a linear/sequential fashion. Where we take a comfortable break to pause and reflect after a crisis, and then neatly respond with great ideas, strategies and actions. In real life, situations may take you back and forth between the resilient and whacked out modes too often. Before you’ve fixed one crisis, three more are alive and kicking! You may have to ‘embrace’ the disturbance and deal with the situation even as you are building up your resilience.

The question is, at any given point in time, do you have a clear idea about which strand is dominant? Are the forces of resilience able to withstand the forces of disruption?  Developing a sense of which way the wind is blowing is critical. Develop your personal wind-vane that lets you do just that. Will the good rain-bearing clouds of resilience win? Or will it be the ‘acid-rain-bearing clouds’ from ‘whacked-land’ that are winning? If it’s the latter, how can we reverse the trend? We’ll find out in the upcoming sections.

Now, let’s look at the 8-Fold paths to staying whacked-out and resilient. 

The 8-Fold Path to ‘Whacked-ness’!

Personality Dimensions: Some of us have (or maybe think we have) an obsession for perfection, and pretty low tolerance for anything that is even remotely out of order. Now, the desire for perfection is great. But the problem is when it becomes an obsessive compulsive disorder. You almost become a control freak overnight. Everything must happen to your extraordinary ‘gold-standards’, and others better fall in line, okay? The rules are the same for important and trivial matters, curiously more so for the latter. Imagine working for such managers and leaders! They can stress out even brain-dead beings. There is an all-consuming hurry with a spring in the step too! Everything must happen fast and perfect. The neurotic among them can simulate emergencies and crises to spice up even the dullest day of the organization to impress the higher-ups. And even cover up their own tracks, of course! The obsession is directed in such a shoddy manner that precious time and energy get wasted before the real crises strike. More joy to you when entire teams start behaving like this by imitating each other. The biggest problem is that of happily living the drama without realizing that perhaps the roof has been blown away. And people believe their own hype about “actions, plans and action-plans”. Effectiveness can wait. In fact many wily leaders and folks thrive in the ensuing confusion. Maybe it sustains some careers even as it ruins common-sense, intelligence and efficiency! Congratulations! Genuine whackedness has made a cool grand entry.

Poor Self Talk: This is what happens when we tend to wallow in self-blame, and self-pity. Usually, it arises from (sometimes) willful denial of the full picture and reality. At times it is genuine inability to focus on the full spectrum of reality. Self-talk isn't happening in isolation. It is impacted by the other 7 aspects of the 8-fold path to whackedness too. Examples include thoughts like “I am not so good at these numbers and spreadsheets, I always keep making mistakes”, “Europeans don't like me at all”, “I cant do public speeches without botching things up!”, “I am unable to handle these situations”. Poor self talk is like a silent and slow killer. Like playing moronic or morose CD tracks all day in your mind. It ends up corroding your confidence, optimism, hope and so much more. Most of it happens without conscious effort. And that’s the worst part. It’s almost like programming the mind with these limiting thoughts, ideas and subliminal commands.  

Poor Self Awareness: When the mind is busy with too many emergencies and crises, it impacts the vital skill of self-awareness. You’re almost on autopilot mode. Rarely able to observe yourself, your thinking patterns, your own contribution to the mess! Poor self-awareness also leads to overlooking good solutions and ideas that are possible by leveraging your unique strengths, skills and capabilities. Somehow, you don't get to connect the dots. You maybe aware of the discrete elements. But you miss out on the larger picture when the dots are connected effectively. Poor self awareness can also lead to thoughtless and ill-timed responses to situations or behaviors of people. You may end up saying the wrong thing at the right time, or vice versa or even worse! In short, you may inadvertently exacerbate the situation in no time. It becomes a vicious cycle of sorts. Good self-awareness is a real-time job. You must learn to observe your patterns when you’re in the midst of situations and events. Post-event analysis maybe simpler.

Poor Adaptability: Poor self awareness can automatically weaken your ability to adapt to situations. This is actually the most important skill if you want to get de-whacked-out before the rot sets in deep. You may end up making sub-optimal choices. Somehow you ‘forget’ resources that could have been used better. In the midst of intense pressure and stress, your coping strategies may be quite unhelpful. For instance, excessive usage of intoxicants or addictive behaviors of various kinds may divert your mind from the crises temporarily. But then the underlying issues remain just as they were. And when you’ve sobered up, this reality can drive you crazy. This can also become a vicious cycle. Effective solutions, ideas, workarounds, options and possibilities are (mostly unintentionally) ignored or discovered late or never at all. Adaptability is stopped in its tracks.

Poor Support System: This can be a huge problem at times. As ‘busyness’ and ‘pressure’ reign supreme, there is less time to effectively engage with others at work and in personal life. People who could have acted as sounding boards are somehow not in “the loop”, and we end up taking support from none, or (worse) from the wrong folks. The support system also includes access to the right mentors, advisors and guides. They may be able to nudge you in directions that may lead you to better insights, outcomes and solutions. Leaders who have the personality disorders we saw earlier can do massive and irreversible damage to the support system. You can see those habits are completely antithetical to the idea of having a good support system at the workplace. It is important to look at rewards and recognition practices to build a better support system and culture, and also to dissuade the few bad apples from doing permanent harm.

Poor Social Awareness: Another consequence of weakening social bonds is the inability to understand and observe others. As you’re so caught up in your own story, there is little time or even inclination to listen deeply to others. We may talk to each other without genuine communication happening. The finer nuances are missed out. What can be communicated in five minutes over phone becomes a three day slanging match with emails, spreadsheets and death by powerpoint! Simply because you didn't ‘notice’ the peculiar tone in the customer’s curt email that triggered it all. If you had probed a little further, maybe you could have understood more about the underlying (or even hidden) worries and motivations that were driving the customer’s behavior that day. Maybe it was a fear about some impending restructuring in her organization. As you fail to tap into the larger context, the background and more, you miss vital clues, hints, danger signals, hidden agendas  and the like. Maybe part of the problem is that others are unable to free themselves from their biases and prejudices that you didn't quite see as show-stoppers.

Lack of Perspective: With so many of the other factors on shaky grounds, perspective takes a royal back seat! You further fail to connect the dots with vital inputs and signals from observing yourself and others and the situation. Reflective thinking ain’t happening. You may see medium crises as catastrophic or totally miss out on some emerging opportunity that’s a by-product of a particular problem. You may internalize too much blame on yourself thinking that you’re taking responsibility for what happened. Maybe your role in it was actually small, but you didn't notice. Perspective taking requires the ability to have an inside out view, as also an outside-in view. A top-down and also a bottom-up approach. You may need to allow the sediment to settle down and then look at the depth of the water body. Are you setting yourself up for failure by trying to fix things over which you have little influence? Are you aware of what’ll happen if there is a doomsday scenario? What are the assumptions that you may have overlooked?  Have you been taking up battles that weren't worth fighting, and instead created unmitigated misery? All of that requires a calm and composed mind, which is exactly what you’ve been missing for a while!

Lack of Structure: When you’re overwhelmed by the melodrama of crises, those habits and routines that may have had a salutary effect go into deep storage. Method is replaced by chaos, quick fixes and tiding over ‘somehow’ is all that’s possible. Focus is taken up by the crisis of the morning and afternoon. This can also lead to more chaos and crises. Structure that can secure the right priorities in the long term suffers. Structure would have allowed you to change patterns that were giving poor results, and maybe even improve predictability. Without a proper structure in place, you sometimes can’t see the wood for the trees. Systemic inadequacies get glossed over as the noise around the crises gets disproportionate air time and CPU power! The perfect recipe to prolong the whacked-out mode for much longer!

Now let’s look at how to cross over to the resilient mode that’ll hopefully simplify life. That’s coming up in the second and concluding part of this article.

Spirit of Inquiry: The Key to Adaptability

Adaptability is a vital skill in our fast paced modern lives. The pace of change and the accompanying emotions can often could our understanding, leaving us grappling with limited choices to even just get by. Does it really have to be like this? More importantly, do we even recognize that it may be happening a bit too often?

The ability to pause, observe and reflect may offer some respite with a better perspective. A spirit of thoughtful inquiry is at the core of it all. It lets you wade into discomfort and look at the unvarnished multiple dimensions of reality sans the spin. That’s a logical argument. Alright, now go ahead and tell that to your brain that isn't too coy about taking the path of least resistance! We like shortcuts that simplify our (already) complex lives, don't we? Spirit of inquiry can wait while we pray for our problems to go away somehow!

But some situations don't exactly work themselves out while we go to sleep. The fixes and patches dressed up as solutions come undone at some point in time. The chaos can be overwhelming enough to jolt us to seek out a different approach. In this article, we’re going to do just that as we explore how to work with a spirit of inquiry. We aren't looking at any silver bullet here. Instead, we’ll use our emotions like a signaling and guidance system, and unswervingly tap into the discomfort for ‘actionable’ insights. Yikes! Does that seem a bit fuzzy and unappetizing? Frankly, it isn't that scary as it appears! I’ll tell you why in the next paragraph.

So, what makes our reflective explorations look daunting at times? I believe it’s got to do with the way we frame our questions. As someone who ardently believes in the power of mindfulness, I’ve noticed how answers (or even the right insights and possibilities) ’appear’ almost magically when a calm mind is fed with a better framed question. It’s almost as if answers are desperately waiting to be wooed. You can't blame the demure “answers-in-distress” if they’re frustrated by the unworthy suitors (a.k.a half-baked questions) that show up! With such a spectacularly listless line-up, there’s gonna be no happily ever after.

So, let’s explore the art of framing questions to install a spirit of inquiry. Note that several sample questions are shown in this article. This is only an indicative list. You’re advised to formulate your own questions. Also, the idea is to use these questions to trigger more insights and answers. This process may not work out in a linear fashion. Get prepared to allow the understanding to reveal itself in stages, iterations and layers.

Clearer Context and Background

Getting a “high definition picture” of what has happened makes a huge difference. Your questions will need to be formulated accordingly to allow you to zoom in and out of this high definition picture. Not getting this connection sorted can leave you with a distorted understanding.  

What is obvious to us can be deceptive at times. Our own biases and preferences can make us look at a “convenient” reality that doesn't push us too far out of the comfort zone. Unfortunately, the convenient picture may present limited options and possibilities. Take off the tinted glasses to work with a spirit of inquiry and look at a wider canvas.

Before that, check how conducive is the environment. If the situation has been extraordinarily tumultuous or unbelievably good, it maybe better to wait for a while if that’s possible. At least ensure that you are in a reasonably composed state of mind before proceeding.

Zoom OUT to get the bigger picture:

• Reflect on the following questions:
• What is the larger implication of whatever has happened?
• What purpose is being served here?
• What is the important or key take-away?
• What is driving all of this change?
• What more do I need to know?

These questions allow you to go a few levels above the current situation, and get an understanding of the big picture and also the scope of the change. Sometimes, we get caught up in the minute details of the situation. Rushing off to action with these details can be tempting for many, even as they’re possessed by a sense of urgency. Without clarity on the larger connections and implications, such ‘solutions’ may not stay relevant for long. The shock and awe can be debilitating by the time you realize the full import of the change on you and others! So, spend as much time as possible on these questions. Draw pictures if needed to get a clearer view! Check with others who may know more.

ZOOM IN for more details:

Gather more information with specific and pointed questions that help to unravel the finer details. Let’s say someone proclaims that your project deliverable isn't “up-to the mark”. You can get a better understanding with questions like:

• What specifically isn't up-to the mark?
• What exactly did they mean?
• Is there a way to quantify and categorize better?

Look for examples, instances, data points, trends and analytical inputs to back up or clarify your understanding. Some of us have a natural flair for gathering these details in a methodical manner. In both Zoom-IN and OUT, there comes a stage when it appears that you’ve reached a dead-end. It might be worthwhile to spend some time with the following questions in both cases.

What do I need to examine more?

• What data do I require?
• What information do I search for?
• What do I need to SCRUB off to get a CLEARER Picture?
• Who or What is preventing this SCRUBBING OFF?
• What is working FOR & AGAINST the resolution of this ISSUE?

So, what’s with this SCRUBBING?

Well, you may notice that certain bits of information, facts, and supposedly “nuanced” opinions and analyses can prevent the real picture from emerging. It can be so tempting to settle for these refined and processed nuggets of wisdom. After all, it simplifies our life. We see it so often in the media. Events are analyzed and presented in such a seemingly authentic manner, that many of us may take it as the full picture or truth.

Scrubbing is what you’d want to do at this stage. It is a chance to work with filters too. Some of these filters may have been handed down to you by those with a vested interest in keeping the issue alive, or those with a limited understanding. Some filters are of your own making! It isn’t easy to work with them though. Trouble is, you may not have many sources to validate the prevailing wisdom and consensus. I’d recommend that you spend some time jotting down answers, words and thoughts for the following points. Though it may seem pretty much like a brain scrambler of sorts, stay with it across multiple iterations. The third and fourth points can be especially troubling! Eventually, you will get more pointers that can lead to a richer understanding. You may also want to go back to zooming in and zooming out with these pointers.

• What I KNOW that I DON'T KNOW
• What I KNOW that I KNOW
• What I DON'T KNOW that I KNOW!
• What I DON'T KNOW that I DON'T KNOW!
• Is there something that’s keeping the situation stagnant and preventing a resolution? Who is gaining and who is losing?
• Is there something that’s spicing up the situation, aggravating and confusing needlessly? Who is gaining and who is losing?
• What am I NOT Seeing?
• What am I IGNORING?
• What are the obvious ideas and options I am Ignoring?
• What makes me assume these are of “less/no importance" or not having potential for significant returns!
• What seems convenient to sideline?
• Maybe, I am hoping this will go away
• Is there something that’s depleting me of energy & creativity?
• How can I get back to being more creative and full of energy?
• What are my FEARS about this?
• What are these FEARS alerting me about?
• How much of it is for real?
• What is likely to aggravate it? How can I get this changed?
• What is making me feel GUILTY?
• What is likely to aggravate it? How can I get this changed?
• What is making me ANGRY about this?
• What is likely to aggravate it? How can I get this changed?
• What is making me SAD about this?
• What is likely to aggravate it? How can I get this changed?
• What am I NOT letting Go, that is skewing the picture?
• What do I lose and What do I gain if I do let it GO?
• "What thought am I suppressing?
• What if I give VOICE to it?”
• How do I acknowledge it, and make use of it?
• Am I trying to climb up the hill with too heavy a load?
• Is there too much on the table?
• Am I biting more than I can chew?
• What can be done about it?
• What is being covered up beneath the gloss & varnish?
• "What is getting hidden?
• What are you not being shown?
• Am I wearing rose tinted glasses and seeing something that isn't quite there?

Periodically get back to a state of calm reflection to allow ideas, thoughts and possibilities flow in and out of your brain!

Getting to Outcomes, Possibilities and Options

Getting clarity about the outcome can by itself provide significant motivation. It sets the right tempo for you to explore options, solutions and possibilities. That’s why in coaching, we place great emphasis on defining outcomes and goals that can arouse a sense of exhilaration. Go one step upward and also spend some time engaging with the motivation that’s driving you to want this outcome. Connect with the outcome, ’see it’ and ‘feel it’ beforehand. Again, well formulated questions hold the key to make this picture truly high definition.

    

What do I want?

In Motivation theory, we talk about gravitating towards certain outcomes and results that we wish to experience. It is also called the “Towards” mode of motivation which pulls you in with the promise of the pleasure of achieving the goal/outcome. Go ahead and describe what’ll happen when you’ve achieved this outcome. What exactly is making you want it so badly?

• What will I get or gain when this outcome has happened?
• How will I enjoy the moment?
• What will I feel like?

What I don't want?

Sometimes, we aren't so motivated by the pleasure of the outcome. Rather, it is the pain of not getting the outcome that drives us towards change. You’re driven by the away from pain motivation mode. You don't file tax returns for the sheer pleasure of it, do you? But again, negative pressures can also push you to take action. So, it is important to question yourself:

• What will I face if this doesn't happen?
• What will I lose in that case?
• What is the danger if this outcome doesn't happen?

What HABITS are needed to get a solution and outcome that is SUSTAINABLE?

Sometimes, we get all excited about wanting a change. We’re ready to plunge into execution as we’re so eager to get to our outcome. But then, we haven't put together the right support system that will allow this change to happen seamlessly. Some of our regular habits and routines can drag us back to status quo ruthlessly. So, it is important to figure out how we can make space for the new outcome, so that the change happens and is sustainable too. 

• What habits do I need to make this change possible?
• How can I build the right momentum and prevent a relapse?
• What obstacles am I likely to face?
• What is likely to make it go OFF COURSE?
• What early warning system can I setup to detect it before it blows up?
• If that happens, how can I get it back on course?
• How can I safeguard the change?
• Will the solution create any knock-on effects or problems?

Define the EMOTIONAL Outcome you want

• What exactly do I want to experience when I’ve reached the outcome?

Maybe Happiness, Confidence, Courage, Satisfaction, Optimism, Exhilaration, Elation,… Having clarity about this can also add to your motivation. Also, at the end of it all, it is the experience you are really after!

Define the steps you’ll explore to get to the outcome:

• If there were absolutely NO CONSTRAINTS, What will I do?
• What will be the first step I’ll take?
• Who will I approach for support?
• What skills will I use to get to the outcome?

Go ahead, frame well formed questions, and adapt well!